Lol, I'm pulling quotes from spongebob, and no matter what anyone says, it IS awesome. :o
It's just this year, my 'best friend' pulled a one eighty all because she discovered the wonderful world of popularity. And I know its cliche and straight out of a horribly overdone teenage book but cliches exist for a reason, right? It didnt really hit me just how much she changed until the other day when she chose someone else who she knew for maybe a year to sit with, but that's not the point, the point is she didn't even acknowledge my existence, even while I tried to get her attention, it was as if all the years of friendship didnt mean anything. I don't know but one moment brought back a ton of bad memories and every hurtful thing she ever did, that I thought I forgave her for, came back. Not inviting me to a party that she was hosting but still flaunting about it in my face, boasting about how well she does in classes when she knows I'm struggling, not even...sigh, just writing about it makes me want to cry, I guess I'm just awful at this picking friends thing. This is like repeat of 6th grade year all over again. I lost my best friend to a group of popular girls then too but I don't want to really talk about that. Maybe it's me? Too boring? Too ugly? Too...weird?
I keep sighing because I didn't come back to this blog to complain and whine and throw myself a pity party. I just kind of wanted- maybe that's the problem. I don't know what I want. High school is hard. She's pretty now, but she's always been pretty without all the makeup and contacts and new clothes. I like that her self esteem isn't so low anymore. She can actually talk to guys now and she is. And the part of me that's good and driven by God is so proud that she's finally realized the awesome person inside of her but then there's that other side of me. The one that I'm not proud of the one that's thinking up all these hateful things, about how sometimes she crosses that line of confidence to arrogance, how her priorities have shifted from being nice to being liked, after all nice guys finish last, right?
NO!
I'm sorry. I keep saying these bad things but I guess she's hurt me more than I thought she did. I'm going to try, no promises because I seem to be breaking a lot of those nowadays, to be the friend I want her to be.
God? I'm so sorry that even after all these years I'm still so weak.
