Lol, I'm pulling quotes from spongebob, and no matter what anyone says, it IS awesome. :o
It's just this year, my 'best friend' pulled a one eighty all because she discovered the wonderful world of popularity. And I know its cliche and straight out of a horribly overdone teenage book but cliches exist for a reason, right? It didnt really hit me just how much she changed until the other day when she chose someone else who she knew for maybe a year to sit with, but that's not the point, the point is she didn't even acknowledge my existence, even while I tried to get her attention, it was as if all the years of friendship didnt mean anything. I don't know but one moment brought back a ton of bad memories and every hurtful thing she ever did, that I thought I forgave her for, came back. Not inviting me to a party that she was hosting but still flaunting about it in my face, boasting about how well she does in classes when she knows I'm struggling, not even...sigh, just writing about it makes me want to cry, I guess I'm just awful at this picking friends thing. This is like repeat of 6th grade year all over again. I lost my best friend to a group of popular girls then too but I don't want to really talk about that. Maybe it's me? Too boring? Too ugly? Too...weird?
I keep sighing because I didn't come back to this blog to complain and whine and throw myself a pity party. I just kind of wanted- maybe that's the problem. I don't know what I want. High school is hard. She's pretty now, but she's always been pretty without all the makeup and contacts and new clothes. I like that her self esteem isn't so low anymore. She can actually talk to guys now and she is. And the part of me that's good and driven by God is so proud that she's finally realized the awesome person inside of her but then there's that other side of me. The one that I'm not proud of the one that's thinking up all these hateful things, about how sometimes she crosses that line of confidence to arrogance, how her priorities have shifted from being nice to being liked, after all nice guys finish last, right?
NO!
I'm sorry. I keep saying these bad things but I guess she's hurt me more than I thought she did. I'm going to try, no promises because I seem to be breaking a lot of those nowadays, to be the friend I want her to be.
God? I'm so sorry that even after all these years I'm still so weak.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I don't wanna die. So much left, I haven't done, I...don't want to hurt anyone if I have to leave...I don't know how people do it. How when that doctor comes in all grim faced and tells them that they've only got so much time left, I don't know how they smile at the doctor and continue on. I'm not a fighter, I've never been a fighter, I'm weak and I'm afraid this is a battle I'm going to lose.
I can't, I don't know if I could go through the day knowing that I only had this much time left. I'm so sorry, I wish I had been a better person, I have more regrets than I wish I did. I haven't gotten to do anything...This puts things into perspective, those people with cancer, those survivors, who every day had to go through treatment, God bless your soul, God bless you for your courage.
March 6-two
March 11-three
I can't, I don't know if I could go through the day knowing that I only had this much time left. I'm so sorry, I wish I had been a better person, I have more regrets than I wish I did. I haven't gotten to do anything...This puts things into perspective, those people with cancer, those survivors, who every day had to go through treatment, God bless your soul, God bless you for your courage.
March 6-two
March 11-three
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
What do I do about my brother? He's growing up so fast and we're drifting so far away that all we ever do is scream at each other. I'm scared for him, because I don't want him hanging out with the wrong people and screwing up his life but I can't exactly control his life either.
:0
It seems lately all I've done is pray that my brother will somehow listen to God and I'm afraid he doesn't know God; every time I try to broach the subject all he does is tune me out and stick ear-buds into his ears. I didn't know being an older sister was so stressful, I wish I could protect him from everything but...I haven't always been there for him and now...now he doesn't talk to me anymore about his problems.
:0
Most of the days, he's on the computer and...
:0
Sigh, I'm gonna keep on praying, and keep on working on it; it's just sometimes I feel so helpless, sometimes I feel as if I'm the worst big sister in the world, like I wasn't cut out for this.
:0
It seems lately all I've done is pray that my brother will somehow listen to God and I'm afraid he doesn't know God; every time I try to broach the subject all he does is tune me out and stick ear-buds into his ears. I didn't know being an older sister was so stressful, I wish I could protect him from everything but...I haven't always been there for him and now...now he doesn't talk to me anymore about his problems.
:0
Most of the days, he's on the computer and...
:0
Sigh, I'm gonna keep on praying, and keep on working on it; it's just sometimes I feel so helpless, sometimes I feel as if I'm the worst big sister in the world, like I wasn't cut out for this.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Valentine's Day's just around the corner. A joy for couples and for those single just sickening, with all the couples kissing and talking about their romantic plans while little ole you is sitting home, alone, once again.
:)
Yes, that is bitterness in my voice, le sigh, It used to not bother me and honestly it didn't start bothering me until Friday, during my history class.
:)
Let me explain.
:)
I was doing my homework, like a good little student, when, let's call her "K." starts talking about something that causes the whole classroom to start talking and well actually that's routine. "K." tends to have a big mouth and no personal boundaries, everyone needs to know everything about her and to be honest the girl really is charming and all that so I can't blame people for liking her.
:)
That being besides the point, the teacher, yes my teacher who's very nosy, asks "K." about what she's doing for Valentines Day, and "K." being the popular girl she is blushes and starts stammering. Then she takes a deep breath and happily exclaims she's going on a double date.
:)
Everyone "aws" and then one of the guys talks about how he's going to ask his girlfriend to prom, which was really sweet because he was, never mind I won't post his idea online for the world to read.
:)
Ah and this is where the sad me comes in as the teachers starts asking people around the room if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend and what their plans are and so on.(Yeah, like I said, my teacher's she's kind of nosy but it's not really her fault most of the student's are really open and tend to spill about their lives to her, so yeah.) And I could only pray to God if I kept my head down that she wouldn't notice me.
:)
God was merciful and she chose the guy that was close to me. That's basically how the rest of class went, me trying to duck my head and hiding behind piles of books to avoid detection and wishing the bell would ring already. Awkwardest class, ever.
:)
Although I'm sure it would have gone better if I had a guy to brag about so, eh. I'm sure I'll get over this spaz moment of "why the heck does my love life, er NOT exist" but until then I'm stuck at home watching sappy movies like Titanic or The Notebook and crying as they don't get their happy ending, nodding as I think to myself that love just brings hurt and that I'm better off being forever alone.
:)
'Course, I'm lying to myself but it's nice to not live in reality every once in a while.
:)
Yes, that is bitterness in my voice, le sigh, It used to not bother me and honestly it didn't start bothering me until Friday, during my history class.
:)
Let me explain.
:)
I was doing my homework, like a good little student, when, let's call her "K." starts talking about something that causes the whole classroom to start talking and well actually that's routine. "K." tends to have a big mouth and no personal boundaries, everyone needs to know everything about her and to be honest the girl really is charming and all that so I can't blame people for liking her.
:)
That being besides the point, the teacher, yes my teacher who's very nosy, asks "K." about what she's doing for Valentines Day, and "K." being the popular girl she is blushes and starts stammering. Then she takes a deep breath and happily exclaims she's going on a double date.
:)
Everyone "aws" and then one of the guys talks about how he's going to ask his girlfriend to prom, which was really sweet because he was, never mind I won't post his idea online for the world to read.
:)
Ah and this is where the sad me comes in as the teachers starts asking people around the room if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend and what their plans are and so on.(Yeah, like I said, my teacher's she's kind of nosy but it's not really her fault most of the student's are really open and tend to spill about their lives to her, so yeah.) And I could only pray to God if I kept my head down that she wouldn't notice me.
:)
God was merciful and she chose the guy that was close to me. That's basically how the rest of class went, me trying to duck my head and hiding behind piles of books to avoid detection and wishing the bell would ring already. Awkwardest class, ever.
:)
Although I'm sure it would have gone better if I had a guy to brag about so, eh. I'm sure I'll get over this spaz moment of "why the heck does my love life, er NOT exist" but until then I'm stuck at home watching sappy movies like Titanic or The Notebook and crying as they don't get their happy ending, nodding as I think to myself that love just brings hurt and that I'm better off being forever alone.
:)
'Course, I'm lying to myself but it's nice to not live in reality every once in a while.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
"No way."
"Yeah, so way."
"No, nooo, there's no way."
Bree quirked an eyebrow,(I still haven't been able to master that yet! :O) and it was then I knew it was on. Like one famous and very smart person said, it was on like white on rice!
"Hey, Lexa! Count us off," I called to Lexa who was trying to hide her snickers. Haha, she was failing ridiculously.
"You guys, this is SO not going to end well-"
I gave her a look, the one that said I really respect your opinion but right now I just want you to shut your trap.
"Yeeah, okay, fine, but no whining when you lose miserably!" Lexa said before rolling her eyes and starting the countdown.
I gave my best game face to Bree and I saw her doing the same. Only her game face kind of made her look kind of constipated and I'm sure that's how my face looked and honestly, I tried to keep a straight face. I really did.
"You guys ready? 3-"
"HAHAHAHA!"
"BWAHAHAH!"
I'm not exactly sure which one of us burst out laughing first but we ended up on the concrete sidewalk in fits of giggles with Lexa staring at us like we were insane...did I mention she does that a lot?
I shook off the giggles and pushed Bree in the shoulder. She poked my forehead. No, no, now it was really on like time on a clock. Hehe, that was lame but whatever!
So this time, for real, we got into ready position and this time we made sure to not bother with the "game faces" but I couldn't help but glance slyly at her out of the corner of my eye. I stifled a snicker, which came out sort of halfway making me sound like I was choking.
Trust me, she looked ridiculous, but in a good way...her tongue was sticking out and she was really concentrating, like she was trying to deactivate a bomb that would blow up the entire universe and she had exactly 10 seconds to do so. Seriously, a race to the stop sign was not as serious as she was making it out to be.
"Ready, guys? This time, try, seriously!" Lexa called giving us another one of her disapproving looks, gosh she looked just like my mom right then, "Ready...set...."
Long pause that was completely unncessecary that caused both Bree and I to look back to see what's with the holdup.
Lexa was smirking, "Go."
Dang, so I took off.
Or at least that's what I intended to do. I tripped. Fell flat on my face and literally kissed the sidewalk and let me tell you, sidewalk tastes nasty!
I looked up and saw Bree's short brown hair fluttering in the wind like a banner. The little cheater tripped me!
"Hey! Get back here! You cheated!!!"
She didn't stop.
So I gave chase.
"Cheater! Cheater! Pumpkin eater! I demand a rematch!"
Lexa now had caught up to us and was high-fiving Bree. Not cool, you're not suppose to applaud cheating!
"Hey! Are you guys listening?! Rematch!"
They looked at me with mischievous smiles and a twinkle in their eye.
"Why Lexa, I think Rayne needs a lesson in humility."
"Yes, she needs to learn to be a gracious, LOSER!"
They burst into laughter and even though I lost, which I totally wouldn't have if the race was fair, I joined in because they were my best friends and it was really kind of funny. Gosh friends were the greatest.
Thanks God, for blessing me with these friends who are probably more like my sisters than anything. :)
"Yeah, so way."
"No, nooo, there's no way."
Bree quirked an eyebrow,(I still haven't been able to master that yet! :O) and it was then I knew it was on. Like one famous and very smart person said, it was on like white on rice!
"Hey, Lexa! Count us off," I called to Lexa who was trying to hide her snickers. Haha, she was failing ridiculously.
"You guys, this is SO not going to end well-"
I gave her a look, the one that said I really respect your opinion but right now I just want you to shut your trap.
"Yeeah, okay, fine, but no whining when you lose miserably!" Lexa said before rolling her eyes and starting the countdown.
I gave my best game face to Bree and I saw her doing the same. Only her game face kind of made her look kind of constipated and I'm sure that's how my face looked and honestly, I tried to keep a straight face. I really did.
"You guys ready? 3-"
"HAHAHAHA!"
"BWAHAHAH!"
I'm not exactly sure which one of us burst out laughing first but we ended up on the concrete sidewalk in fits of giggles with Lexa staring at us like we were insane...did I mention she does that a lot?
I shook off the giggles and pushed Bree in the shoulder. She poked my forehead. No, no, now it was really on like time on a clock. Hehe, that was lame but whatever!
So this time, for real, we got into ready position and this time we made sure to not bother with the "game faces" but I couldn't help but glance slyly at her out of the corner of my eye. I stifled a snicker, which came out sort of halfway making me sound like I was choking.
Trust me, she looked ridiculous, but in a good way...her tongue was sticking out and she was really concentrating, like she was trying to deactivate a bomb that would blow up the entire universe and she had exactly 10 seconds to do so. Seriously, a race to the stop sign was not as serious as she was making it out to be.
"Ready, guys? This time, try, seriously!" Lexa called giving us another one of her disapproving looks, gosh she looked just like my mom right then, "Ready...set...."
Long pause that was completely unncessecary that caused both Bree and I to look back to see what's with the holdup.
Lexa was smirking, "Go."
Dang, so I took off.
Or at least that's what I intended to do. I tripped. Fell flat on my face and literally kissed the sidewalk and let me tell you, sidewalk tastes nasty!
I looked up and saw Bree's short brown hair fluttering in the wind like a banner. The little cheater tripped me!
"Hey! Get back here! You cheated!!!"
She didn't stop.
So I gave chase.
"Cheater! Cheater! Pumpkin eater! I demand a rematch!"
Lexa now had caught up to us and was high-fiving Bree. Not cool, you're not suppose to applaud cheating!
"Hey! Are you guys listening?! Rematch!"
They looked at me with mischievous smiles and a twinkle in their eye.
"Why Lexa, I think Rayne needs a lesson in humility."
"Yes, she needs to learn to be a gracious, LOSER!"
They burst into laughter and even though I lost, which I totally wouldn't have if the race was fair, I joined in because they were my best friends and it was really kind of funny. Gosh friends were the greatest.
Thanks God, for blessing me with these friends who are probably more like my sisters than anything. :)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I'm not sure why I have this blog, it's kind of stupid. I had actually put up this blog so I could I guess record my high school experience but...so far it stinks and I'm not sure that when I reread all of this later I'll want to relive all the bad experiences of my life. And I know that's really depressing but I had a revelation of sorts today.
I've been really naive. Even though I nag and brag about how people can be cruel I truly hadn't realized how cruel. Not until today. Now...now I know that when we are pressed down to the ends of our tank and going on desperate we'll say a lot of things, we'll lie, we'll say anything to look like the victim, we'll say anything so that it's not our fault.
So, I...I'm not sure how to word this. I got into an accident. It was terrible. I can't get the image out of my mind. All I can see is this car coming straight at me and then ju the realization that I had been hit. I was in an accident. I...remember being so confused...did it really just happen?
Right now, it's been 4 hours since the accident, it took at least an hour for the cops to get there. Or rather, cop. It was when I was driving home from school...I'm not sure whether I'm in shock or simply depressed. I mean I cried already, and I still want to cry but...
I couldn't drive home. I was so petrified I couldn't drive my car home. So my mom, the angel that she is, drove me home and then went back to get her car.
Did I mention the whole driver's door is completely trashed, yeah the guy rammed me in the side.
But not according to him.
I had given him the benefit of the doubt, honestly, I hadn't even thought to truly blamed him. I just wanted the incident to be over. But no, he had to bring in "his friends" and really it just pissed me off that was lying about the "accident".
I wasn't going to blame him but now, now I'm pissed. I wish the guy was here right now so I could slap the idiot. I hope God smites him. Okay, I'm sorry that wasn't very Christian-like, I just, justice deserves to be served and I hope, my only hope right now, is the insurance company. If somehow we can get that biscuit-head to pay full for my car, then the world just might be right again....
I think...I think I won't be able to drive a car again. I'm....terrified to drive again. I don't...I don't want that to happen again. And I know that's cowardly but I'm scared. Okay, I'm still just a kid and I"m terrified out of my mind.
What if it happens again?
I...regret the fact that somehow we've so advanced and stopped walking everywhere because I really don't mind walking everywhere but my parents wouldn't let me.
Speaking of my parents, I wish I didn't have any right now because now is the time where they fully utilize that whole" we yell at you because we care" thing which to me is really stupid because IT WASN'T MY FAULT!
I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I'm going to keep up with this blog anymore. I'm starting to realize it's really stupid. and depressing. Boo, down with the world.. I should be grateful, I now that. But today I realized that knowing something is a completely different thing then actually "KNOWING" something.
Le sigh.
I've been really naive. Even though I nag and brag about how people can be cruel I truly hadn't realized how cruel. Not until today. Now...now I know that when we are pressed down to the ends of our tank and going on desperate we'll say a lot of things, we'll lie, we'll say anything to look like the victim, we'll say anything so that it's not our fault.
So, I...I'm not sure how to word this. I got into an accident. It was terrible. I can't get the image out of my mind. All I can see is this car coming straight at me and then ju the realization that I had been hit. I was in an accident. I...remember being so confused...did it really just happen?
Right now, it's been 4 hours since the accident, it took at least an hour for the cops to get there. Or rather, cop. It was when I was driving home from school...I'm not sure whether I'm in shock or simply depressed. I mean I cried already, and I still want to cry but...
I couldn't drive home. I was so petrified I couldn't drive my car home. So my mom, the angel that she is, drove me home and then went back to get her car.
Did I mention the whole driver's door is completely trashed, yeah the guy rammed me in the side.
But not according to him.
I had given him the benefit of the doubt, honestly, I hadn't even thought to truly blamed him. I just wanted the incident to be over. But no, he had to bring in "his friends" and really it just pissed me off that was lying about the "accident".
I wasn't going to blame him but now, now I'm pissed. I wish the guy was here right now so I could slap the idiot. I hope God smites him. Okay, I'm sorry that wasn't very Christian-like, I just, justice deserves to be served and I hope, my only hope right now, is the insurance company. If somehow we can get that biscuit-head to pay full for my car, then the world just might be right again....
I think...I think I won't be able to drive a car again. I'm....terrified to drive again. I don't...I don't want that to happen again. And I know that's cowardly but I'm scared. Okay, I'm still just a kid and I"m terrified out of my mind.
What if it happens again?
I...regret the fact that somehow we've so advanced and stopped walking everywhere because I really don't mind walking everywhere but my parents wouldn't let me.
Speaking of my parents, I wish I didn't have any right now because now is the time where they fully utilize that whole" we yell at you because we care" thing which to me is really stupid because IT WASN'T MY FAULT!
I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I'm going to keep up with this blog anymore. I'm starting to realize it's really stupid. and depressing. Boo, down with the world.. I should be grateful, I now that. But today I realized that knowing something is a completely different thing then actually "KNOWING" something.
Le sigh.
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