Gosh, I hate crying. It makes me feel so absolutely and pathetically...weak. I'm tired of my parents, my life, and just everything.
:)
This is ALL my fault. And I absolutely hate myself right now. If I hadn't been born, my parents would be happy. My brother wouldn't be so angsty. My friends would probably be happier and popular.
:)
I HATE MYSELF.
:)
But that's okay just I want everything to be okay again. I hate it when my parents fight, usually it's over something stupid but today it was ALL MY FAULT. And I hate that.
:)
If I had just been a bit more patient. Just waited just a little bit longer...then all this could have been avoided. If you were trying to teach me a lesson God, I got it loud and clear. Next time I'll wait...I just can't guarantee I won't be too late next time.
:)
Broken communication leads to misconstrued messages leading to a big falling out. Lesson learned, do you hear me God? I'm not crying anymore. It's stupid to waste tears on something that can never change. It's stupid and not worth it and I HATE MYSELF.
:)
No more tears. No more weakness. No more caring. I wish I was like a robot and simply didn't care. I hate how pathetically weak I am. Crying...no, I'm done with that. I'm done with this. I'm just done. I can't force myself to continue in this house.
:)
It hurts so bad. Today gave me the ultimate push into a suicidal person's mind. I could literally feel how much I wanted to take my own life just to escape this place I call "home". I can tell you right now that I can never forgive myself. No, I...I know the title says "smile because there's darkness before light" but I don't have the strength to even utter a smile because it's so pathetically fake, it's not even worth the attempt.
:)
I might be making a mountain out of a mole hole, but the guilt was so all-consuming...I would never take my own life though, no matter how overpowering the guilt is, so no worries there.
:)
I'll just be a little warped. Hah, that deserved a little smile. Just a tiny one...Okay, so I lied I can still smile...sort of.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Hehe, so I usually don't write so much...er blog so much, but lately life is been CRUEL! CRUEL, I tell you! Meh, anyways I think it's because April is the month of finals-cue shiver- was it just me or did the room get colder?
:)
Anyways the next couple weeks or month, whatever, just until school's out, school is going to be HECTIC! The darn teachers are plotting to take over the freaking world by testing everyone to death...seriously.
:)
I have no clue how I'm going to last until summer. My friend 'Lexa just told me today that I have officially 34 DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL IS OUT!!! BOOYAH!!
:)
Needless to say that has me feeling absolutely ecstatic despite all the teachers attempts at bringing me down by brain overload.
:)
Also I just finished band contest last week, so we've been getting to just relax in band, can I get a whoop-whoop? Hah, just kidding about the whole "whoop-whoop" thing...that was kind of lame. Yeah, I know I'm totally blabbering on about nothing but if you hadn't noticed this is sort of another procrastination technique.
:)
I really don't want to study...no one does...
:)
Nothing but except that things...oh, I'm almost forgot, I have this ginormous pimple on my chin and it's DISGUSTING! Seriously, and it's one of those zits where if you barely touch it...it HURTS like crazy!!! Woe is me!!
:)
Unfortunately I had to go to school with this giant zit for the world to see, but oh well, zits are just the icing on top of teenage-hood. It's natural, curse my oily skin! It hasn't gone down despite my attempts at popping it...I know you're not suppose to do that, but DON'T JUDGE ME!
:)
Okay so really I've got to go...honestly, there's like a giant pile of nothing but textbooks sitting right beside me just calling my name...creepy!
:)
Smile, smile, smile!
:)
Anyways the next couple weeks or month, whatever, just until school's out, school is going to be HECTIC! The darn teachers are plotting to take over the freaking world by testing everyone to death...seriously.
:)
I have no clue how I'm going to last until summer. My friend 'Lexa just told me today that I have officially 34 DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL IS OUT!!! BOOYAH!!
:)
Needless to say that has me feeling absolutely ecstatic despite all the teachers attempts at bringing me down by brain overload.
:)
Also I just finished band contest last week, so we've been getting to just relax in band, can I get a whoop-whoop? Hah, just kidding about the whole "whoop-whoop" thing...that was kind of lame. Yeah, I know I'm totally blabbering on about nothing but if you hadn't noticed this is sort of another procrastination technique.
:)
I really don't want to study...no one does...
:)
Nothing but except that things...oh, I'm almost forgot, I have this ginormous pimple on my chin and it's DISGUSTING! Seriously, and it's one of those zits where if you barely touch it...it HURTS like crazy!!! Woe is me!!
:)
Unfortunately I had to go to school with this giant zit for the world to see, but oh well, zits are just the icing on top of teenage-hood. It's natural, curse my oily skin! It hasn't gone down despite my attempts at popping it...I know you're not suppose to do that, but DON'T JUDGE ME!
:)
Okay so really I've got to go...honestly, there's like a giant pile of nothing but textbooks sitting right beside me just calling my name...creepy!
:)
Smile, smile, smile!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Gosh, I wanted to freaking throw something...more specifically my homework! It's so stupid! Annoying! Frustrating! GAh!!!! If you can't already tell, I'm P.O'ed to the extreme.
:)
Deep breathe. In. Out. So not helping. I don't know why I do this to myself. I mean I was all "I'm going to do my homework when I get home from school" but then I fell asleep...stupid.
:)
Now I'm awake, it's midnight and I have a 4 page essay to write along with studying for a major exam! Gah! My life is a major fail right now, if you hadn't noticed.
:)
Screw you, procrastination. I can't believe teachers give us so much homework...I mean what do they expect, that all students are freaking major geniuses? Bleh, I can now only imagine what college life is like...tear, I think I just signed my death.
:)
If it wasn't already obvious already, I'm just trying to vent out all my frustration...or maybe I'm procrastinating again...hm...
:)
Anyways, my stupid conscience is blabbing about how I should be grateful I have an education, and blah, blah, blah, yeah I'm kind of tuning my conscience out right now. Pfft. If only life was so simple that if you ignored something it'd go away...not!
:)
I just don't know what to write! I don't know how I'm going to remember everything! I just DON'T KNOW!!!! Why does the life of a student seem so difficult? Is it just me or are the students of today learning more than ever before? It's not just me, right? I'm so NOT going crazy...okay, maybe just a little, but I blame SCHOOL!
:)
Eh, I guess that's enough stalling. No, I can't force myself to smile right now but my stupid conscience is gladly grinning at me right now. Bleh.
:)
:)
Deep breathe. In. Out. So not helping. I don't know why I do this to myself. I mean I was all "I'm going to do my homework when I get home from school" but then I fell asleep...stupid.
:)
Now I'm awake, it's midnight and I have a 4 page essay to write along with studying for a major exam! Gah! My life is a major fail right now, if you hadn't noticed.
:)
Screw you, procrastination. I can't believe teachers give us so much homework...I mean what do they expect, that all students are freaking major geniuses? Bleh, I can now only imagine what college life is like...tear, I think I just signed my death.
:)
If it wasn't already obvious already, I'm just trying to vent out all my frustration...or maybe I'm procrastinating again...hm...
:)
Anyways, my stupid conscience is blabbing about how I should be grateful I have an education, and blah, blah, blah, yeah I'm kind of tuning my conscience out right now. Pfft. If only life was so simple that if you ignored something it'd go away...not!
:)
I just don't know what to write! I don't know how I'm going to remember everything! I just DON'T KNOW!!!! Why does the life of a student seem so difficult? Is it just me or are the students of today learning more than ever before? It's not just me, right? I'm so NOT going crazy...okay, maybe just a little, but I blame SCHOOL!
:)
Eh, I guess that's enough stalling. No, I can't force myself to smile right now but my stupid conscience is gladly grinning at me right now. Bleh.
:)
Friday, April 1, 2011
I pursed my lips as the thoughts raged through my mind. It seemed like lately everything was against me and I had absolutely no time for anything. Gosh I was a raging mess of hormones...pfft, whoever said it was easy being a girl...was a big fat liar.
:)
Honestly I just was overwhelmed with everything that was dropped into my lap. School, family, friends, health...the list goes on and on and on and well you get the point.
:)
Stupid, really. It also didn't help that I was the absolute queen of procrastination...what? It wasn't my fault...it's just easier to push things off until the last minute possible...okay I lied, it's really hard and stupid, but habits are hard to break.
:)
Anyways I digress.
:)
So I was mostly freaked out about school, because well, it's school and recently I haven't been doing so well, go figure.
:)
Blech, I forgot where I was going with this. Oh yeah, last night I had a strange epiphany of sorts.
:)
I was talking to God, you know those in-depth talks that you have with your best friend? Yeah, it was one of those. I generally don't have a lot of them, but lately it seems like I have.
:)
Anyways, I decided last night that I wouldn't worry, which is major in my book because I also hold the crown of queen worry-wart. Really.
:)
So, as it was I decided that I'd leave the hands of fate up to God and that he could do whatever he wanted with tomorrow. I was simply going to worry about today. Because as the saying goes, worry about today but let tomorrow worry about itself...er at least that's what I think it says...my minds kind of off in la-la land...psst, it's 2:30 in the morning, or at least some time around there.
:)
Yosh, I know I should be sleeping...but I've also have had trouble sleeping lately...pfft, I have no clue why but it seems like I've become an insomniac.
:)
Gah, I'm sorry, I keep getting distracted, stupid attention span, you'd think it'd get longer with age but it's the opposite for me...same thing with my memory, unfortunately.
:)
Yeah, so back to my conversation with God. It's really a lot harder than you'd think to put tomorrow in God's hands, because as humans we like control, we like to know what we're up against, right? Well, I think so anyways.
:)
So that's what I did. Possibly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and possibly the smartest because I felt a lingering sense of peace when I told God that I was going to put my life into his hand and let the chips fall where they may.
:)
And here I am the next day feeling like someone just asked me to jump into a pool filled with ice cream...FANTASTIC. Really I had no clue that by just letting go of that control would give me such a feeling of freedom. To be free...
:)
God is the most unpredictable and unconventionable miracle in my life and I couldn't love Him anymore because of it.
:)
Honestly He's the best thing in my life and I know that I forget that a lot, but He's always been there for me.
:)
And I've realized just lately that you can never guess at how He's going to act. He's God and it's simple as that. Cue smile filled with absolute gratitude at the big guy in the sky.
:)
:)
Honestly I just was overwhelmed with everything that was dropped into my lap. School, family, friends, health...the list goes on and on and on and well you get the point.
:)
Stupid, really. It also didn't help that I was the absolute queen of procrastination...what? It wasn't my fault...it's just easier to push things off until the last minute possible...okay I lied, it's really hard and stupid, but habits are hard to break.
:)
Anyways I digress.
:)
So I was mostly freaked out about school, because well, it's school and recently I haven't been doing so well, go figure.
:)
Blech, I forgot where I was going with this. Oh yeah, last night I had a strange epiphany of sorts.
:)
I was talking to God, you know those in-depth talks that you have with your best friend? Yeah, it was one of those. I generally don't have a lot of them, but lately it seems like I have.
:)
Anyways, I decided last night that I wouldn't worry, which is major in my book because I also hold the crown of queen worry-wart. Really.
:)
So, as it was I decided that I'd leave the hands of fate up to God and that he could do whatever he wanted with tomorrow. I was simply going to worry about today. Because as the saying goes, worry about today but let tomorrow worry about itself...er at least that's what I think it says...my minds kind of off in la-la land...psst, it's 2:30 in the morning, or at least some time around there.
:)
Yosh, I know I should be sleeping...but I've also have had trouble sleeping lately...pfft, I have no clue why but it seems like I've become an insomniac.
:)
Gah, I'm sorry, I keep getting distracted, stupid attention span, you'd think it'd get longer with age but it's the opposite for me...same thing with my memory, unfortunately.
:)
Yeah, so back to my conversation with God. It's really a lot harder than you'd think to put tomorrow in God's hands, because as humans we like control, we like to know what we're up against, right? Well, I think so anyways.
:)
So that's what I did. Possibly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and possibly the smartest because I felt a lingering sense of peace when I told God that I was going to put my life into his hand and let the chips fall where they may.
:)
And here I am the next day feeling like someone just asked me to jump into a pool filled with ice cream...FANTASTIC. Really I had no clue that by just letting go of that control would give me such a feeling of freedom. To be free...
:)
God is the most unpredictable and unconventionable miracle in my life and I couldn't love Him anymore because of it.
:)
Honestly He's the best thing in my life and I know that I forget that a lot, but He's always been there for me.
:)
And I've realized just lately that you can never guess at how He's going to act. He's God and it's simple as that. Cue smile filled with absolute gratitude at the big guy in the sky.
:)
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