Ugh, some people just make me soooooooooooo mad! I absolutely cannot stand scammers. Ugh. Ugh. UGH!! I can't even type a real word because I'm so bad. Gosh, when I found out I was real disappointed but right now all that disappointment is a whole lot of anger. Gosh!
:)
Okay so I'll explain.
:)
About a month ago I got a letter from the poetry contest I entered. It said that my poem was going to be published I was was so excited. I thought my poem was okay, but nothing really fantastic so it was a pleasant surprise when I opened the letter. Man, I'm so mad that I can't stop typing runon sentences!
:)
Bah, okay sorry, a bit sleepy too. Today a month later after I mailed money for the book and all that junk because hey, if my poem's going to be in a book, I want that book. Boohoo, I didn't get all the details of the story though.
:)
So today, because of my English teacher I'm suppose to enter a contest or whatever. So I was looking for one when I came across a website that was talking about poetry contests that were just scams.
:)
Oh I think you know where this story is going.
:)
So I did some more research just to make sure and yup it's been confirmed by like fifty other people that the America Library of Poetry is a scam. I'm heartbroken that people would do something like this. And I thought I was finally going to have a published work...
:)
Ah, well no use crying over spilt milk right? Anyways I just can't believe people would do that. I just, now I know better than to just do something on impulse without research. It's just, I thought since the school was talking about the contest it wouldn't be a scam, you know? But I should have checked my resources.
:)
Learned from my mistakes and I think my anger has cooled down from what it was when I found out. Bah. Smile, because I can still learn from this mistake.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
"Hey, wake up. Wake up. WAKE UP!"
:)
They were murmurs at first that slowly became actual words. And the voice was of my oh so dearest mother. I looked at the watch on my hand and squinted to see the numbers correctly. Since I was just waking up the numbers seemed upside down er well my hand was so it looked like 11:30.
:)
That didn't seem right so I rubbed my eyes a little and squinted while holding the watch close to my face and slowly the image became clear. The little hand was on the six and the minute hand was on the eleven. It was six in the morning...what the heck could my mom want?!
:)
I looked up at her with a glare that clearly stated what do you want. Rude but it wasn't exactly the best time for a social visit. She smiled oh so pleasantly. I guess she was used to early mornings because of her job that demanded her to wake up at five but...
:)
"I need you to make a phone call."
:)
I almost slapped myself. "Can't you do it?" I mumbled out or at least that's what I think I said.
:)
My mom smiled again and said, "Wake up, I need you to do it." Then she left the room. Okay, seriously my mom must have known that I would have fallen back asleep because that's exactly what I did. I mean who can resist such a nice pillow calling your name? And I was seriously having a good dream. It was about a kind of trip that was taking me away from school.
:)
Anyways before I knew it I was off in lala land and in my dream I was about to help this little girl up because she fell or something like that when all of a sudden,
:)
"Wake up!"
:)
Ugh, de ja vu much? I knew that voice and did not want to get up. Seriously it was a Sunday...give me a break! I mumbled complaints as I looked again at my watch. Bleh, it was only 9. I sighed and tried to look to the bright side. At least my mom had let me sleep in for like 2 hours or so instead of dragging me awake...which would not have been pleasant.
:)
Slowly and I mean like slow motion slow I dragged myself to the bathroom and went through my morning routine all the while grumbling. Of course there was a voice in my head that was saying, 'You shouldn't be complaining. Remember Honor thy mother and father.' Sometimes the voice was annoying like today because it always seemed to be right.
:)
I let out a frown as I finished and prepared to face my mom. I tried a smile but to no avail; it turned out looking more like a grimace.
:)
"Ah, you're awake, the information is all on the table."
:)
I nodded in affirmation and made my way towards the kitchen table. I let out a yawn as I looked over the papers and asked some questions. Then I got to calling. No deal. It kept giving me some weird sound. So I sat there trying for like 30 minutes but nothing. So I called in my mom and told her what was happening with the phone and she looked to my dad. So I asked him.
:)
They both shrugged...great. I leafed through the instructions again but every time I called the place I got some weird sound. Time passed fast because when I looked at the clock it was already 10:30. I looked to my mom,
"Church"
:)
I smiled glad that she understood. Rushing to my room I quickly threw on something and drove to church. Surprises were a plenty when I saw the pastors wife there. She wasn't there last week. I greeted people and sat down in a pew.
:)
We sang some songs and then it was special music time. The pastor's wife and pastor were singing today. But before they sang the pastor's wife, "D.", looked at us with a smile.
:)
"As you guys may know, our family has been going through a rough time this past week. Hence why I wasn't able to be here last week. I got news that my son has just been diagnosed with cancer..."
:)
I tried to keep my jaw from dropping. Was she serious? And she was still smiling? I tried to keep my reaction neutral as I tried to flip through this new information. I had heard about stories like this all the time but I had never had someone close to me have cancer before.
:)
I knew "D."'s son. He was our church's camp director when we went to church camp. He was funny and nice and the last person to seem to get cancer. He seemed so healthy!
:)
All of this was going through my head as I stared at "D." completely confused and horrified. But she continued to stand there with a smile on her face and I tried to tune into what she was saying.
:)
"It was unexpected but our faith in God is strong. The operation was good and we're still waiting to hear news if he needs anymore treatment. We can't do anything about it so why worry?"
:)
Because you're his mother. Because you love him. Because he's your son. The thoughts ran through my mind still can't comprehend how she could smile.
:)
I almost cried as I sat and watched them; the pastor and his wife. They then started in on their song and the song oh man, that was like the lifting of the dam from the floodgates of tears. I couldn't believe how strong their faith in God was.
:)
Even though their son, their son, was just diagnosed with cancer and could possibly be denying they were still praising God. I just, their faith was astounding. I wanted a faith as strong as that. As I looked at them, they really looked okay with it. With what God had dealt them, and for that I smiled because with people of strong faith, there is still hope.
:)
I could smile through the tears because I realized how trivial my complainings were this morning compared to what this couple had to go through. It just seemed silly everything that I grumble about because if they could stand firm in their faith of God when their son had cancer then why couldn't I through the small stuff?
:)
I smiled and prayed to God right then that their son would be healed of his cancer. These people they believed so strongly in God; the least they deserved was a healthy son. But alas it's all in the hand of You, God. But please hear my plea, let Charles, be healed through Your healing hand.
:)
They were murmurs at first that slowly became actual words. And the voice was of my oh so dearest mother. I looked at the watch on my hand and squinted to see the numbers correctly. Since I was just waking up the numbers seemed upside down er well my hand was so it looked like 11:30.
:)
That didn't seem right so I rubbed my eyes a little and squinted while holding the watch close to my face and slowly the image became clear. The little hand was on the six and the minute hand was on the eleven. It was six in the morning...what the heck could my mom want?!
:)
I looked up at her with a glare that clearly stated what do you want. Rude but it wasn't exactly the best time for a social visit. She smiled oh so pleasantly. I guess she was used to early mornings because of her job that demanded her to wake up at five but...
:)
"I need you to make a phone call."
:)
I almost slapped myself. "Can't you do it?" I mumbled out or at least that's what I think I said.
:)
My mom smiled again and said, "Wake up, I need you to do it." Then she left the room. Okay, seriously my mom must have known that I would have fallen back asleep because that's exactly what I did. I mean who can resist such a nice pillow calling your name? And I was seriously having a good dream. It was about a kind of trip that was taking me away from school.
:)
Anyways before I knew it I was off in lala land and in my dream I was about to help this little girl up because she fell or something like that when all of a sudden,
:)
"Wake up!"
:)
Ugh, de ja vu much? I knew that voice and did not want to get up. Seriously it was a Sunday...give me a break! I mumbled complaints as I looked again at my watch. Bleh, it was only 9. I sighed and tried to look to the bright side. At least my mom had let me sleep in for like 2 hours or so instead of dragging me awake...which would not have been pleasant.
:)
Slowly and I mean like slow motion slow I dragged myself to the bathroom and went through my morning routine all the while grumbling. Of course there was a voice in my head that was saying, 'You shouldn't be complaining. Remember Honor thy mother and father.' Sometimes the voice was annoying like today because it always seemed to be right.
:)
I let out a frown as I finished and prepared to face my mom. I tried a smile but to no avail; it turned out looking more like a grimace.
:)
"Ah, you're awake, the information is all on the table."
:)
I nodded in affirmation and made my way towards the kitchen table. I let out a yawn as I looked over the papers and asked some questions. Then I got to calling. No deal. It kept giving me some weird sound. So I sat there trying for like 30 minutes but nothing. So I called in my mom and told her what was happening with the phone and she looked to my dad. So I asked him.
:)
They both shrugged...great. I leafed through the instructions again but every time I called the place I got some weird sound. Time passed fast because when I looked at the clock it was already 10:30. I looked to my mom,
"Church"
:)
I smiled glad that she understood. Rushing to my room I quickly threw on something and drove to church. Surprises were a plenty when I saw the pastors wife there. She wasn't there last week. I greeted people and sat down in a pew.
:)
We sang some songs and then it was special music time. The pastor's wife and pastor were singing today. But before they sang the pastor's wife, "D.", looked at us with a smile.
:)
"As you guys may know, our family has been going through a rough time this past week. Hence why I wasn't able to be here last week. I got news that my son has just been diagnosed with cancer..."
:)
I tried to keep my jaw from dropping. Was she serious? And she was still smiling? I tried to keep my reaction neutral as I tried to flip through this new information. I had heard about stories like this all the time but I had never had someone close to me have cancer before.
:)
I knew "D."'s son. He was our church's camp director when we went to church camp. He was funny and nice and the last person to seem to get cancer. He seemed so healthy!
:)
All of this was going through my head as I stared at "D." completely confused and horrified. But she continued to stand there with a smile on her face and I tried to tune into what she was saying.
:)
"It was unexpected but our faith in God is strong. The operation was good and we're still waiting to hear news if he needs anymore treatment. We can't do anything about it so why worry?"
:)
Because you're his mother. Because you love him. Because he's your son. The thoughts ran through my mind still can't comprehend how she could smile.
:)
I almost cried as I sat and watched them; the pastor and his wife. They then started in on their song and the song oh man, that was like the lifting of the dam from the floodgates of tears. I couldn't believe how strong their faith in God was.
:)
Even though their son, their son, was just diagnosed with cancer and could possibly be denying they were still praising God. I just, their faith was astounding. I wanted a faith as strong as that. As I looked at them, they really looked okay with it. With what God had dealt them, and for that I smiled because with people of strong faith, there is still hope.
:)
I could smile through the tears because I realized how trivial my complainings were this morning compared to what this couple had to go through. It just seemed silly everything that I grumble about because if they could stand firm in their faith of God when their son had cancer then why couldn't I through the small stuff?
:)
I smiled and prayed to God right then that their son would be healed of his cancer. These people they believed so strongly in God; the least they deserved was a healthy son. But alas it's all in the hand of You, God. But please hear my plea, let Charles, be healed through Your healing hand.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I should have posted yesterday, but I forgot. :D
:)
I have major good news which is surprising considering what just happened 2 days ago. This just already concludes what I already knew: God does exist. Anyways Tuesday after the "accident" to my dad's car I cried and all that junk. But I knew I had to take responsibility so I went to my secret stash of cash and counted how much I had.
:)
Then I prayed to God that it would be as much as I had so I could pay for it. Because after all it was my fault. Then yesterday, oh my, my mom is a hero. She was able to find a bodyshop place with help from my aunt that was able to fix it.
:)
Not only that but she was able to get it fix for just the amount of money I had! I just saw the car and it looks like there was never a dent in the first place. Praise the LORD. All I can say is Thank you God! Seriously He could not have given me a better mom. Sometimes I get mad at my mom but it's times like this when I can't love her more.
:)
There's still the whole issue with my dad being mad and everything, but I'll get through it. I'm sure he can't stay mad forever, but then again knowing my dad...Oh well I won't dwell on it.
:)
It's also times like these where I can't thank God enough. Now I can't stop smiling! There's really nothing else to say, except storms in your life aren't permanent. They will pass and at the end of the storm is a gigantic rainbow decked out with sunshine, unicorns, and smiles!
:)
Thank you, God.
~Psalm 120:1 I call on the LORD in my distress and He answers me.~
:)
I have major good news which is surprising considering what just happened 2 days ago. This just already concludes what I already knew: God does exist. Anyways Tuesday after the "accident" to my dad's car I cried and all that junk. But I knew I had to take responsibility so I went to my secret stash of cash and counted how much I had.
:)
Then I prayed to God that it would be as much as I had so I could pay for it. Because after all it was my fault. Then yesterday, oh my, my mom is a hero. She was able to find a bodyshop place with help from my aunt that was able to fix it.
:)
Not only that but she was able to get it fix for just the amount of money I had! I just saw the car and it looks like there was never a dent in the first place. Praise the LORD. All I can say is Thank you God! Seriously He could not have given me a better mom. Sometimes I get mad at my mom but it's times like this when I can't love her more.
:)
There's still the whole issue with my dad being mad and everything, but I'll get through it. I'm sure he can't stay mad forever, but then again knowing my dad...Oh well I won't dwell on it.
:)
It's also times like these where I can't thank God enough. Now I can't stop smiling! There's really nothing else to say, except storms in your life aren't permanent. They will pass and at the end of the storm is a gigantic rainbow decked out with sunshine, unicorns, and smiles!
:)
Thank you, God.
~Psalm 120:1 I call on the LORD in my distress and He answers me.~
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
**Update** It seems the shock has worn off and I can't get the tears to stop. Gosh, how stupid can I get? I know it's all trivial sort of if you call making a dent trivial. I guess I've always had a problem with yelling.
:)
And disappointment. I hate that feeling where you feel like you've let everyone down. I let my parents down by not listening to them and making them pay for what's my mistake. I set a bad example for my brother. And I failed myself by not doing what I should have done.
:)
I guess my mom yelling at me and saying I deserved to be yelled at broke me. The truth always hurts more when it's pointed out. I just have one question. How do you get the tears to stop?
:)
I'm so tired of this back and forth between my parents. In the end though, I have no one to blame but myself. I should have been more careful. I should have been more observant. I should have listened. But I didn't.
:)
And therein lies the problem. I just want to go away. That's all I've ever wanted. Just to go away. Far far away to a place where I can do good instead of harm. I hate how I keep failing everyone. I hate how everything just blows up in my face. And what I can't stand more than anything is this stupid self-pity.
:)
I can't stand the fact that I'm being such a stupid petty child. And crying. Gosh, I should be able to take the yelling, it could be so much worse and I'm complaining?
:)
That's what I can't stand about myself. I get too absorbed into my own problems and don't realize the people I'm hurting.
:)
I want to be better. I don't want to hurt anyone. And gosh darn it, I have to thank you God so much for my little brother. Even though his attempt was pretty pathetic it did cause me to smile. I'll always have my little brother and I love him so much. He doesn't know it but he's my little brother and I'm suppose to be protecting him, not the other way around.
:)
Little brothers really are a gift from God. Thank you God.
~Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your Word.~
:)
And disappointment. I hate that feeling where you feel like you've let everyone down. I let my parents down by not listening to them and making them pay for what's my mistake. I set a bad example for my brother. And I failed myself by not doing what I should have done.
:)
I guess my mom yelling at me and saying I deserved to be yelled at broke me. The truth always hurts more when it's pointed out. I just have one question. How do you get the tears to stop?
:)
I'm so tired of this back and forth between my parents. In the end though, I have no one to blame but myself. I should have been more careful. I should have been more observant. I should have listened. But I didn't.
:)
And therein lies the problem. I just want to go away. That's all I've ever wanted. Just to go away. Far far away to a place where I can do good instead of harm. I hate how I keep failing everyone. I hate how everything just blows up in my face. And what I can't stand more than anything is this stupid self-pity.
:)
I can't stand the fact that I'm being such a stupid petty child. And crying. Gosh, I should be able to take the yelling, it could be so much worse and I'm complaining?
:)
That's what I can't stand about myself. I get too absorbed into my own problems and don't realize the people I'm hurting.
:)
I want to be better. I don't want to hurt anyone. And gosh darn it, I have to thank you God so much for my little brother. Even though his attempt was pretty pathetic it did cause me to smile. I'll always have my little brother and I love him so much. He doesn't know it but he's my little brother and I'm suppose to be protecting him, not the other way around.
:)
Little brothers really are a gift from God. Thank you God.
~Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your Word.~
So, it finally happened...what you might ask? Well, I'll tell you, I just backed up into my dad's truck now there's a giant dent in the back of my car...yay me! (No, that was sarcasm)
:)
Man, I knew this day would come but I didn't honestly think that it would be so fast...I was hoping that it'd be when I'm out of the house and away from my screaming parents. When I said that I wanted to see more emotion out of my dad, I didn't mean it in the angry sense.
:)
But hey, I think it's better than the silent guy. I just, I didn't mean to do it, of course. No one ever means to back up into another car. It was an accident. But to be honest, I don't think my dad cares. It seems like he never does. It's not until now that I'm feeling guilty.
:)
I guess I'm still in shock about what happened. Ah, well it's just another thing to add to the list of things I screw up about. Trust me it's a long list...It seems that lately I can't do anything right. It makes me sad but I don't know I think my dad's making a big deal about it.
:)
It's not like anyone got hurt...except for the car of course but then again I wasn't the one that paid for it. I don't think I've ever seen my dad this mad...oh except for that time that my mom got a dent in her car...hmmm talk about dejavu.
:)
Anyways I can't exactly smile right now because well that'd just be sadistic and I'm still feeling guilty. But I'm smiling on the inside because I think this is God telling me something. Personally I think it's that I should pay more attention. Realistically I think it's God saying, pay attention when you're driving or next time, you're gonna meet me face to face. Hah, okay that made me smile but, hey whatever right? In the end, it's just a car and no one got hurt.
:)
Oh, I forgot to add that after I backed out and hit the truck and past my dad yelling at me and storming out I was backing out onto the road and I paused right before and lucky that I did cause a car came outta nowhere and lets just say that God saved my butt again.
:)
Man, this is like the 50th almost accident and 1st time accident. But really it was an accident. I told my parents I didn't want to drive and maybe subconsciously I did it on purpose so I wouldn't have to drive. But really driving is scary. To be honest I hate it.
:)
Really hate it. I wish I could walk everywhere but my mom won't let me. They think that I'm some weak little girl which I guess I am weak but still. It's not like it's my fault I get sick so easily or that I'm highly sensitive. Nope, I blame biology. I wonder though what my mom will say when she gets home. It's weird. When I got back from picking my brother up from school orientation my dad didn't even say anything. Which scares the heck out of me.
:)
Like I said, silent dad is the scariest of all. He didn't even look at me. I think he was too mad to say anything. Did I mention not only did my car have a dent and lose some paint, I also messed up some of the paint on my dad's car? Yeah, my day is just going fantastic.
:)
Okay I think that quote from that book I read in English is true: Sarcasm is the cry of the weak. Sigh, so here I am venting my feelings which aren't really that odd. I don't feel sad, just guilty. I should have looked before I backed out. I'm also kind of hoping that this is all just a dream sadly it's not. I remember when my mom got a dent on her car, wow my dad went bonkers and my mom was in tears.
:)
But I made a promise. I'm not gonna cry because of my dad anymore. It's stupid. Besides once this life is over...there'll really be something to smile about. :)
:)
Man, I knew this day would come but I didn't honestly think that it would be so fast...I was hoping that it'd be when I'm out of the house and away from my screaming parents. When I said that I wanted to see more emotion out of my dad, I didn't mean it in the angry sense.
:)
But hey, I think it's better than the silent guy. I just, I didn't mean to do it, of course. No one ever means to back up into another car. It was an accident. But to be honest, I don't think my dad cares. It seems like he never does. It's not until now that I'm feeling guilty.
:)
I guess I'm still in shock about what happened. Ah, well it's just another thing to add to the list of things I screw up about. Trust me it's a long list...It seems that lately I can't do anything right. It makes me sad but I don't know I think my dad's making a big deal about it.
:)
It's not like anyone got hurt...except for the car of course but then again I wasn't the one that paid for it. I don't think I've ever seen my dad this mad...oh except for that time that my mom got a dent in her car...hmmm talk about dejavu.
:)
Anyways I can't exactly smile right now because well that'd just be sadistic and I'm still feeling guilty. But I'm smiling on the inside because I think this is God telling me something. Personally I think it's that I should pay more attention. Realistically I think it's God saying, pay attention when you're driving or next time, you're gonna meet me face to face. Hah, okay that made me smile but, hey whatever right? In the end, it's just a car and no one got hurt.
:)
Oh, I forgot to add that after I backed out and hit the truck and past my dad yelling at me and storming out I was backing out onto the road and I paused right before and lucky that I did cause a car came outta nowhere and lets just say that God saved my butt again.
:)
Man, this is like the 50th almost accident and 1st time accident. But really it was an accident. I told my parents I didn't want to drive and maybe subconsciously I did it on purpose so I wouldn't have to drive. But really driving is scary. To be honest I hate it.
:)
Really hate it. I wish I could walk everywhere but my mom won't let me. They think that I'm some weak little girl which I guess I am weak but still. It's not like it's my fault I get sick so easily or that I'm highly sensitive. Nope, I blame biology. I wonder though what my mom will say when she gets home. It's weird. When I got back from picking my brother up from school orientation my dad didn't even say anything. Which scares the heck out of me.
:)
Like I said, silent dad is the scariest of all. He didn't even look at me. I think he was too mad to say anything. Did I mention not only did my car have a dent and lose some paint, I also messed up some of the paint on my dad's car? Yeah, my day is just going fantastic.
:)
Okay I think that quote from that book I read in English is true: Sarcasm is the cry of the weak. Sigh, so here I am venting my feelings which aren't really that odd. I don't feel sad, just guilty. I should have looked before I backed out. I'm also kind of hoping that this is all just a dream sadly it's not. I remember when my mom got a dent on her car, wow my dad went bonkers and my mom was in tears.
:)
But I made a promise. I'm not gonna cry because of my dad anymore. It's stupid. Besides once this life is over...there'll really be something to smile about. :)
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