New Years. A chance to begin again. To start anew.
:)
...and I spend it watching "The Walking Dead" marathon.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Scared. No, it was much worse than that. It was blinding terror. My heart raced faster than a race horse on drugs. It...at first, the confusion, the dark, the faces, they all flashed through my mind and I couldn't conjure up the reason for my irrational feelings.
:
But then I took a breathe. I looked through the darkness, making out little things like the door, a TV, my teddy-bear, my hand.
:
It was just a dream.
:
A terrifying dream. Nightmare. But the thoughts remained. I...usually I don't remember my dreams but this...this dream, or vision or whatever was haunting.
:
Dead. They were all dead. My family, my friends, children I didn't know, bodies just dead. Red staining crimson was so bright, it blinded my eyes, scarred and branded forever in my head. I...I don't remember the reason or how they...died, but it just, the sense of absolute helplessness, paralyzed me. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could barely breathe.
:
When I was finally able to think, I...I moved to them, wanting to touch them, see if what I was seeing was actually real. If maybe this was just some sick joke, some cruel prank, some kind of illusion.
:
It felt so real, my mom, oh goodness gracious, my sweet mother, who's always been my mentor, the woman who brought me into this world...she was so cold. Her skin felt like winter, ice, cold, and bitter. A slap to the face, shocking. No, she couldn't just be gone.
:
I had so many regrets.
:
The first and foremost was the one time I was in elementary school, mom told me to go read my book like a good little girl. I got so mad. My brother, who didn't go to school yet, got to watch tv and I didn't. I had to go do homework. I hated her. And I wrote that down. Over a dozen times, I sat in my room writing I hate mom, over and over again instead of doing homework. I, then she came to my room to check on me. She saw the paper in my hands. I tried to hide it. She tugged it to her face. She read. The quiet was deafening. And she ran. High-tailed it out of there and I sat there. Still. I...I didn't realize what my words would do to her. I was just so mad. So filled with petty anger. Then I ran. Ran when I heard the sobs. Ran to my mom's room, the lights were out but the sobs enlightened me to her position.
:
She was crying on the bed. I asked her what was wrong. It was stupid but I wanted her to say it wasn't me that made tears run down her face. She didn't answer, her cries got louder. I tried to look at her face. She buried it in the blanket. I tried to pull the blanket away. She wouldn't let me. I hugged her and apologized. It wasn't enough. So the cries continued as I started to panic. Over and over again I said sorry. I had never seen her cry before, the fact that it was me that made her cry, a woman so strong, made my little child heart ache.
:
She did stop crying. But from that day on, I don't believe she ever forgave me.
;
She joked about it once and sometimes she goes on and says "I know you don't like it, but you can hate me". Maybe she doesn't blame me.
:
But I blame me. And I feel as if everything I do now, it's making up for that one stupid moment. Regret, it's so bitter.
:
My brother he was next, my little brother, how I loved that boy. I wish I had spent more time with him. We didn't spend enough time together and now...
:
Dad. Never daddy. We...there was no "we". I was just a kid in the house.
:
My friends, I was so busy studying...
:
Those children that I didn't know. So young, no chance to live. Gone.
:
But then like I said I woke up. But the emotions, the raw emotions they clawed at me, like a beast trying to rip me apart from the inside out. I don't know if it seems childish but I leaped out of bed and peeked in my brother's room, but didn't turn on the lights.
:
Instead I walked to his bed's side and made sure he was there. I let out a sigh of relief and pulled the blankets over him.
:
My parents. I stood outside their bedroom. But even from there I could hear their separate snores and I smiled.
:
They were okay.
:)
It truly was just a dream.
:)
But it also wasn't. Those...I needed to get my life together. I can't just live day by day, I can't just let those regrets turn into actual regrets when there was something I could do about it. Because right now, it was just a dream and tomorrow was still bright. No red stained tomorrow.
:)
I don't claim to know much because right now I'm still learning. But so far I've learned in anger, stupid things are done and if not rectified immediately the consequences are haunting. Love is many things and no one definition can define it. Life is so much more than just one day, one moment, it's just so much more than we can ever imagine. Death isn't something to be scared of, it's to embraced because once it's our time we should be glad to go home to the Lord. Mistakes mean we're human but we can't use humanity as an excuse for mistakes. Our sense of justice is skewed because of our emotions and no matter what anybody says there truly is no justification for taking a life. When we, humans, try to play God, we get screwed over. There is only One God. Justice may not be brought on in this life or our time, but it is always dealt. Life isn't fair, so just live with it. Keep your innocence as long as you can because no matter what, once it's gone, it's gone. Life is seen best through a child's eye. Every single moment matters, even the pain-filled, grief-stricken ones. Music is the soul's way of speaking. Children are God's gift and should be treated as the most precious. Don't live just to live, smile, be happy, find joy in the tiny things, smile because even in this earth, even in this forsaken place, there are things to smile and laugh at.
:)
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Because I don't care who the heck you are, good always wins over evil. Light will always prevail over darkness. So for the heck of it, just SMILE! Even if you look crazy smiling to yourself, smile. Even if the pain is threatening to cripple you with it's weight, smile. Even if the grief has a a death hold on your heart, smile. Because a smile may just be a mask now, it may just be fake now, but every smile is a whisper of hope, a strand of strength, one more step to full out grinning.
:
But then I took a breathe. I looked through the darkness, making out little things like the door, a TV, my teddy-bear, my hand.
:
It was just a dream.
:
A terrifying dream. Nightmare. But the thoughts remained. I...usually I don't remember my dreams but this...this dream, or vision or whatever was haunting.
:
Dead. They were all dead. My family, my friends, children I didn't know, bodies just dead. Red staining crimson was so bright, it blinded my eyes, scarred and branded forever in my head. I...I don't remember the reason or how they...died, but it just, the sense of absolute helplessness, paralyzed me. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could barely breathe.
:
When I was finally able to think, I...I moved to them, wanting to touch them, see if what I was seeing was actually real. If maybe this was just some sick joke, some cruel prank, some kind of illusion.
:
It felt so real, my mom, oh goodness gracious, my sweet mother, who's always been my mentor, the woman who brought me into this world...she was so cold. Her skin felt like winter, ice, cold, and bitter. A slap to the face, shocking. No, she couldn't just be gone.
:
I had so many regrets.
:
The first and foremost was the one time I was in elementary school, mom told me to go read my book like a good little girl. I got so mad. My brother, who didn't go to school yet, got to watch tv and I didn't. I had to go do homework. I hated her. And I wrote that down. Over a dozen times, I sat in my room writing I hate mom, over and over again instead of doing homework. I, then she came to my room to check on me. She saw the paper in my hands. I tried to hide it. She tugged it to her face. She read. The quiet was deafening. And she ran. High-tailed it out of there and I sat there. Still. I...I didn't realize what my words would do to her. I was just so mad. So filled with petty anger. Then I ran. Ran when I heard the sobs. Ran to my mom's room, the lights were out but the sobs enlightened me to her position.
:
She was crying on the bed. I asked her what was wrong. It was stupid but I wanted her to say it wasn't me that made tears run down her face. She didn't answer, her cries got louder. I tried to look at her face. She buried it in the blanket. I tried to pull the blanket away. She wouldn't let me. I hugged her and apologized. It wasn't enough. So the cries continued as I started to panic. Over and over again I said sorry. I had never seen her cry before, the fact that it was me that made her cry, a woman so strong, made my little child heart ache.
:
She did stop crying. But from that day on, I don't believe she ever forgave me.
;
She joked about it once and sometimes she goes on and says "I know you don't like it, but you can hate me". Maybe she doesn't blame me.
:
But I blame me. And I feel as if everything I do now, it's making up for that one stupid moment. Regret, it's so bitter.
:
My brother he was next, my little brother, how I loved that boy. I wish I had spent more time with him. We didn't spend enough time together and now...
:
Dad. Never daddy. We...there was no "we". I was just a kid in the house.
:
My friends, I was so busy studying...
:
Those children that I didn't know. So young, no chance to live. Gone.
:
But then like I said I woke up. But the emotions, the raw emotions they clawed at me, like a beast trying to rip me apart from the inside out. I don't know if it seems childish but I leaped out of bed and peeked in my brother's room, but didn't turn on the lights.
:
Instead I walked to his bed's side and made sure he was there. I let out a sigh of relief and pulled the blankets over him.
:
My parents. I stood outside their bedroom. But even from there I could hear their separate snores and I smiled.
:
They were okay.
:)
It truly was just a dream.
:)
But it also wasn't. Those...I needed to get my life together. I can't just live day by day, I can't just let those regrets turn into actual regrets when there was something I could do about it. Because right now, it was just a dream and tomorrow was still bright. No red stained tomorrow.
:)
I don't claim to know much because right now I'm still learning. But so far I've learned in anger, stupid things are done and if not rectified immediately the consequences are haunting. Love is many things and no one definition can define it. Life is so much more than just one day, one moment, it's just so much more than we can ever imagine. Death isn't something to be scared of, it's to embraced because once it's our time we should be glad to go home to the Lord. Mistakes mean we're human but we can't use humanity as an excuse for mistakes. Our sense of justice is skewed because of our emotions and no matter what anybody says there truly is no justification for taking a life. When we, humans, try to play God, we get screwed over. There is only One God. Justice may not be brought on in this life or our time, but it is always dealt. Life isn't fair, so just live with it. Keep your innocence as long as you can because no matter what, once it's gone, it's gone. Life is seen best through a child's eye. Every single moment matters, even the pain-filled, grief-stricken ones. Music is the soul's way of speaking. Children are God's gift and should be treated as the most precious. Don't live just to live, smile, be happy, find joy in the tiny things, smile because even in this earth, even in this forsaken place, there are things to smile and laugh at.
:)
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Because I don't care who the heck you are, good always wins over evil. Light will always prevail over darkness. So for the heck of it, just SMILE! Even if you look crazy smiling to yourself, smile. Even if the pain is threatening to cripple you with it's weight, smile. Even if the grief has a a death hold on your heart, smile. Because a smile may just be a mask now, it may just be fake now, but every smile is a whisper of hope, a strand of strength, one more step to full out grinning.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Staring at my usually white ceiling, it's black now because well it's night time. But it's do you ever get that thing where you're staring at something but not really seeing what's actually there?
:)
Heh, this is one of those times. I just I found the answer to one of the question my friend asked me:
Why don't you like facebook?
:)
Call me a rebel...or a hermit but facebook aggravates me to the point of where I don't even get on anymore. Seriously, once I gave into the peer pressure of my friend saying I should make one, and because I'm a complete pushover(and kinda wanted to know what was so awesome about facebook) I did.
:)
Minutes of my life I will never get back.
:)
Truly I do understand why it's so popular because it's a way to keep in touch with others but maybe I just have an aversion to the technological socialization...or something like that.
:)
But I think the reason why I dislike it so much is that it's so impersonal. When you're talking to someone through the shield of a screen you can't tell his/her emotions, true(or mostly true emotions unless you're a person who can hide their emotions well, like some kind of ninja O.o) emotions that you have when it's a face to face conversation.
:)
Trying to convey sarcasm is really hard unless you actually type out that you're being sarcastic. And despite my belief that sarcams is the cry of the weak, I love using it. (I think I just insulted myself :O)
:)
Actually now that I think about it...I'm a bit bias. I personally prefer talking to someone's face rather than through writing, there's too many chances to lie when you can't see someone's expression.
:)
Wow, I think I just went around in circles so just ignore everything I just said. Um, I'm gonna try to think of something clever to say to disregard the idiocy that I just wrote.
:)
Er...eat your vegetables and listen to your parents! XD
Monday, December 26, 2011
For right now, in this moment, in this time frame, yesterday was the best Christmas ever.
:)
And, I'll probably criticize myself with saying the same thing next year, but most truly, this year went without a hitch and I think the only thing that would have made it completely outworldly is if I had had the sappy romantic Christmas with my "love", but hey I'm still searching for that Mr. One and Only...okay that's a lie, whatever happens, happens, I'm not gonna bother myself with searching for someone that may not even exist...
:)
Sorry, I'm getting distracted but I will finish that train of thought. Because even though I believe in the whole everyone has a soulmate and that one and only person out there for them, I'm also a bit...how do I say this...jaded. Or maybe just angsty because I'm still in that teenager phase.
:)
Anyways, I do have crushes, and I had once believed I was in love, may I say with a guy I never met, I was in elementary school, give me a break.
:)
Anyways, I'm still young, got a lot of time for all that good mushy loving later.
:0
Now, as I was saying, this Christmas, my brother, my going into that teenager phase where all he says is one worded answers to his family like a real cavemen
"No."
"Leave."
"Away."
"Out."
Dude, I don't remember being that moody when I was that young but hey they did say girls matured faster than guys right? ;) Hehe, anyways, he was being totally nice with his okay I'll take pictures, but just this once and he even gave me a glare, but it was half-hearted, gosh I wanted to hug him...but apparently he doesn't do hugs.
:)
Meh, and my dad, you know that guy that's like dark and cold and nothing like those guys that are mysterious and cool looking? Yeah, he even smiled.
:)
Now that may seem insignificant, but my dad, is a bit of a weirdo. He doesn't DO smiles. No, he's more of the smirking kind of dude or laugh behind closed doors guy or hide the grin behind his hand, but no....I have it on film. Evidence that my dad is an actual human being.
:)
Haha, just kidding that sounded mean, but anyways everything went just freaking swell. Dandy, and dare I even say it was groovy.
:)
Sorry, too many old shows...like Scooby Doo, what a classic.
:)
I just wanted to thank God that it was such a nice Christmas. Thank Jesus for his sacrifice, his birth on this day. I just...this feeling of Christmas peace, it's hard to find throughout the year and it's been such a while since I've been so...happy.
:)
God really does know what he's doing. Because it was hard for a while but it's moments like this Christmas that makes me know, I shouldn't be scared of the hard times, I shouldn't back down at an obstacle in the road, and I heck as shouldn't give up just because the situation looks hopeless.
:)
Everything will be okay. And I know it's a little late but I really hope everyone had a good Christmas. :)
:)
And, I'll probably criticize myself with saying the same thing next year, but most truly, this year went without a hitch and I think the only thing that would have made it completely outworldly is if I had had the sappy romantic Christmas with my "love", but hey I'm still searching for that Mr. One and Only...okay that's a lie, whatever happens, happens, I'm not gonna bother myself with searching for someone that may not even exist...
:)
Sorry, I'm getting distracted but I will finish that train of thought. Because even though I believe in the whole everyone has a soulmate and that one and only person out there for them, I'm also a bit...how do I say this...jaded. Or maybe just angsty because I'm still in that teenager phase.
:)
Anyways, I do have crushes, and I had once believed I was in love, may I say with a guy I never met, I was in elementary school, give me a break.
:)
Anyways, I'm still young, got a lot of time for all that good mushy loving later.
:0
Now, as I was saying, this Christmas, my brother, my going into that teenager phase where all he says is one worded answers to his family like a real cavemen
"No."
"Leave."
"Away."
"Out."
Dude, I don't remember being that moody when I was that young but hey they did say girls matured faster than guys right? ;) Hehe, anyways, he was being totally nice with his okay I'll take pictures, but just this once and he even gave me a glare, but it was half-hearted, gosh I wanted to hug him...but apparently he doesn't do hugs.
:)
Meh, and my dad, you know that guy that's like dark and cold and nothing like those guys that are mysterious and cool looking? Yeah, he even smiled.
:)
Now that may seem insignificant, but my dad, is a bit of a weirdo. He doesn't DO smiles. No, he's more of the smirking kind of dude or laugh behind closed doors guy or hide the grin behind his hand, but no....I have it on film. Evidence that my dad is an actual human being.
:)
Haha, just kidding that sounded mean, but anyways everything went just freaking swell. Dandy, and dare I even say it was groovy.
:)
Sorry, too many old shows...like Scooby Doo, what a classic.
:)
I just wanted to thank God that it was such a nice Christmas. Thank Jesus for his sacrifice, his birth on this day. I just...this feeling of Christmas peace, it's hard to find throughout the year and it's been such a while since I've been so...happy.
:)
God really does know what he's doing. Because it was hard for a while but it's moments like this Christmas that makes me know, I shouldn't be scared of the hard times, I shouldn't back down at an obstacle in the road, and I heck as shouldn't give up just because the situation looks hopeless.
:)
Everything will be okay. And I know it's a little late but I really hope everyone had a good Christmas. :)
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I had always thought I was like my dad, quiet and reserved but today, my mom's birthday, my dad showed a completely different side that made me question if he was an alien.
:)
So I was planning on baking a cake for my mom's birthday, which I have never done before, but my dad decided to buy my mom a cake. Now that sounds like nothing, right? But it is. In fact, it's so bizarrely abnormal I was so confused. My dad...just he wasn't an affectionate person, he had never ever celebrated or even acknowledged my mom's birthday before...
Now that's not because he's a jerk, although that's what I suspected, it's probably because he just didn't know how to show what he was feeling...
:0
So, this freaked me out.
:)
Where the heck was the dad I had been growing up with all my life?
:)
My mom's 42nd birthday...a birthday I don't think I, or my mom will ever forget. He was sweet for once...dare I say even romantic...ew, don't want to delve into that thought for long, but it was odd. And to be honest I'm not sure if I like this new dad or the old one...
...shows me just how when you think you know someone, BAM, they go and buy a cake that screws up your whole world.
Well, hotdog.
:)
So I was planning on baking a cake for my mom's birthday, which I have never done before, but my dad decided to buy my mom a cake. Now that sounds like nothing, right? But it is. In fact, it's so bizarrely abnormal I was so confused. My dad...just he wasn't an affectionate person, he had never ever celebrated or even acknowledged my mom's birthday before...
Now that's not because he's a jerk, although that's what I suspected, it's probably because he just didn't know how to show what he was feeling...
:0
So, this freaked me out.
:)
Where the heck was the dad I had been growing up with all my life?
:)
My mom's 42nd birthday...a birthday I don't think I, or my mom will ever forget. He was sweet for once...dare I say even romantic...ew, don't want to delve into that thought for long, but it was odd. And to be honest I'm not sure if I like this new dad or the old one...
...shows me just how when you think you know someone, BAM, they go and buy a cake that screws up your whole world.
Well, hotdog.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Lost and alone. I'm swimming through this sea, looking for something that I've never seen. Stories surround me of the legends and stars and I reach out my arms, sweeping the air, trying to touch only what faith can.
:)
Because sometimes I feel as if I'm the only person on earth and no one understands. Surely it's not that way, surely there's someone that's feeling the way I do.
:)
God, hear me.
:)
Because sometimes I feel as if I'm the only person on earth and no one understands. Surely it's not that way, surely there's someone that's feeling the way I do.
:)
God, hear me.
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